run for cover...

saying no... for the nth time

yoruichi: so how do you find out if the guy is into you, that the "love" whatever he's talking about is true?

captain: the mere fact that he admitted should suffice meow. you really have to hear it don't you?

yoruichi: it's not that. i'm just scared to sound needy because i feel like one. clingy and domineering is not the impression that i want to make. hell why am i even entertaining these thoughts? i'm hella scared, broken and too cool...platonic even for these things. i never planned this! i'm not ready for this!

captain: where's the fire meow? chill. i thought you'll play it cool. be unattached, carefree and hedonist if you like. we've talked about this right? don't over analyze it. just go where it takes you...i'll understand.

yoruichi: i know. but i can't. i realized that it's also a waste of time. i'm gonna detox first i guess.

captain: so you wanna come over and talk about it?

yoruichi: i know you too well. thanks captain. i can detox here, alone. i'm glad to hear your voice again though.

captain: you'll succumb to me. it's just a matter of time. your appetite is insatiable.

yoruichi: but it's not beyond control. try it. it feels much better when there's a delay of gratification.it makes the wait worthwhile.

captian: rubbish meow. pure rubbish.

TAGEEEEEEM!

Love, Lovers, Loving and all that jazz...

click for your Scroll Down to see your full reading

Present Situation Where things are currently sitting.		Four of Swords Briefly: It is time to take a rest, have a break, maybe have a holiday or in some other way remove yourself from current pressures. In Detail... Initially when you draw this card, it is telling you to take a rest, have a break, maybe have a holiday or in some other way remove yourself from current pressures. You may be run-down, tired, and now it is time to be a little contemplative and to take it easy for awhile. The daily routine has become too demanding or even mundane and you need a change, any change will do. If you have been feeling unwell, it may be time to consult a doctor, a surgeon or even a dentist. Often it can indicate needing an injection, or cutting implements may be needed, as in surgery of some kind, or medications. This is a good time to start looking after yourself, and protecting yourself against such things as getting an infection or fever. Antibiotics may be needed or a tonic or some vitamins. Some people just need to get more sleep or rest. Your lungs may need attention at this time or you are experiencing some type of respiratory problem. If this is the case, then seek help in the early stages to avoid any long-term health problem and your recovery will be quick.
Your World - Your Focus What surrounds you currently, how others view you, where you are both mentally and spiritually.		Four of Pentacles Briefly: You are about to finally achieve your goal of financial security and freedom. In Detail... The picture on this card shows a dark haired woman dressed in a robe and a crown on her head. She holds three pentacles in front of her and one is above her crown. Behind her is a brick wall symbolising strength, protection and safety. The pentacles ofcourse represent her finances and how she manages them. She is shrewd, careful and very practical. She is securing her financial future and will soon be rewarded for her patience and endurance. If you are this woman you are about to finally achieve your goal of financial security and freedom. You will be able to protect yourself from the adversities of the past and gain total financial control of your life. You may also be able to teach what you have learnt to others.
Your Lovers World - Their Focus What surrounds your Lover currently, how others view them, where they are both mentally and spiritually.		Ace of Swords Briefly: Broaden your horizons and make sweeping changes. Your future is about to move ahead in many and varied ways. In Detail... When you draw this card, you are being given the urge to broaden your horizons and make sweeping changes. Your future is about to move ahead in many and varied ways. This card cuts aside those things and people that you no longer need or are relevant to your life. This can also too be a fertility card, so if you are seeking to bring a new baby into the world, this can help to manifest it. It is possible that you may feel like making a new beginning in your life and starting over. You could move house, change jobs, get married or have a new baby arrive. Whichever you choose, it will be a welcome change and one that will require additional energy on your part, however you will more than adequately meet the new challenge. Physically, it could mean that an operation is imminent, and that your health is undergoing some changes. It is possible that something has to be removed, whether that be a tooth or other body part, and it may be replaced with an artificial part. This gives the ability to recover quickly and to get on with the rest of your life. You may also be undergong major psychological changes where you are feeling more confident and outgoing. You may start becoming more ambitious or self-motivated and ready to take on new challenges and dare to do more than you have ever done before. Luck is on your side.
Nature of your Issues together Either past influences or current what surrounds you both.		Knight of Wands Briefly: An indication of the arrival of someone important coming into your life. In Detail... The picture on this card is of a man on a horse swiftly charging through the day with fearless abandon. He has a mission and knows exactly where he is going. Sometimes this card can indicate the arrival of someone important coming into your life, or it can signal the hasty departure of someone from your life. If you are expecting someone to arrive, they will do so very quickly. If you sense that someone wants out, they will leave just as quickly. This can also signal some type of emergency, though not necessarily too serious of an event that has speeded up. Perhaps someone is admitted to hospital and you have to get there quickly. There is unlikely to be any serious problems stem from this event, just that the matter had to be dealt with as soon as possible, without any delays, such as an appendix attack, for example. If you are single, it can mean your next lover is just around the corner and you will find this person to be very warm and responsible. He or she may be born under an Earth sign, such as Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn.
Obstacles to overcome Areas that need to be illuminated, places that need to be worked through.		Queen of Pentacles Briefly: You are on your way to fame and fortune. In Detail... The picture on this card shows a beautiful woman wearing lovely clothes and a crown on her head, placed on top of lovely beaded headwear. She holds in front of her a large pentacle and her hands are slim and well manicured. She wears a special ring, which has a large oval stone set in it, which is possibly a ruby. There are mountains in the background, similar to those in Hawaii . There is foliage around her and nuts growing on these. Generally she has blue eyes, though could have any eye colour. If you are this person, you are on your way to fame and fortune. You may come into a windfall, marry well, or somehow stumble upon a unique way to increase your income. You will be well liked by your friends and loved by your family and husband. You are serious, yet vulnerable. You are calm, yet can be set back by those who stir conflict around you. The comforts of life are important, more so for your own peace within your own mind knowing that you have what you need. If you are not this woman, then you will meet someone like her who supports you in many and varied ways. If you are a female, this woman will become your most ardent fan and friend. If you are a male, this woman may become your lover or your wife. Cherish her, for she is loyal and affectionate and has your best interests at heart.
Lessons & Signs to watch for The Divine Universal watch tower! Signs to signal their impending arrival, areas that need illuminating... only you will know that which needs to be seen.		Page of Pentacles Briefly: You may be on the receiving end of some really good news within about one month. In Detail... The picture on this card shows a good looking man of about 22 who is clean shaven and rugged up ready for winter or a long journey. He wears a beret with a feather in it, and a coat with stripes on the sleeves, which could represent a military uniform or other suit related to his field of work. He looks strong and courageous. He is headed in a certain direction and carrying a large Pentacle. He is obviously on a mission to bring some good news to someone. In the background are mountains and a river with tall trees dotting the landscape. This could represent a place you will visit in the near future, or where you will live. If you draw this card, you may be on the receiving end of some really good news within about one month. If the card represents someone you already know, rest assured success lies ahead for them. If the card is yourself, you know where you are going and how to get there. You will gain recognition for your endeavours and the esteem of your contemporaries.
Your Hopes, Fears, Desires What is it that your soul really wants and needs.		Nine of Cups Briefly: Whatever your true heart desires will come to you with relative ease. In Detail... The picture on this card shows a clown or court jester wearing colourful clothing and a large hat with a feather in it. Behind him are the nine cups and this is often called the wish card. Whatever your true heart desires will come to you with relative ease. There is a sense of satisfaction and happiness with one's place in life. Often material gains are unfolding towards you and you will enjoy general good health and a more safe and secure lifestyle. Many celebrations and social gatherings are likely to occur in the near future and you may also attend some special dress up type parties such as fancy dress parties.
Your Lovers Hopes, Fears, Desires What is it that your lovers soul really thirsts for?		The Hermit Briefly: This card as it reflects a deep thinker, someone who spends time in isolation mulling over the mysteries of life. Much time may have been spent this way, and now it is all about to change. In Detail... This card shows an elderly gentleman with a robe and hood standing atop a mountain holding a lantern in his right hand and a staff in this left hand. It is the middle of the night and the background is dark, and offset by the glow - which looks like a star, emanating from the lantern. The mountain appears to be snow capped and the night seems cold and he is alone. This can signify an event happening at night or in winter. If you are not in a relationship at this point in time, it is likely that you soon will be as this can symbolise the end of being alone, you finally find what you have been looking for, which may have been right under your nose. There is also a deeper significance to this card as it reflects a deep thinker, someone who spends time in isolation mulling over the mysteries of life. Much time may have been spent this way, and now it is all about to change. Prepare yourself in whatever way is necessary. Maybe you need to revamp your image or put on some brighter clothes, rather than hiding yourself under a huge coat or cloak.
What Challenges your Relationship Areas that require awareness and attention.		The Lovers Briefly: If you are unattached and you deal out this card, you are being guided towards that special someone who is about to walk through the doorway of your heart and leave its indelible mark on you forever. The Lovers card always brings choices. Love is the strongest emotion we know and it can literally move mountains. The desire to be with your special person can overwhelm you and override all logic or other sense of clarity. In Detail... This is the most powerful card in the pack for many and varied reasons. Love is the strongest emotion we know and it can literally move mountains. The desire to be with your special person can overwhelm you and override all logic or other sense of clarity. However, if you are ever going to experience true love, then you may as well feel it with every part of your being. If you are unattached and you deal out this card, you are being guided towards that special someone who is about to walk through the doorway of your heart and leave its indelible mark on you forever. You will feel the blood rushing through your veins and the passion and desire to be with your lover so deliriously wonderful, that all else pales in comparison. This may be your soul mate, your one true love of your life, so make sure you are there and you are ready. If you are already in a relationship, another passing attraction may cause a disturbance in your feelings and you may be swayed to have a secret liaison. The Lovers card always brings choices. You can choose to love, or choose not to love. If you find yourself in a triangle situation, at some stage you will have to make your final choice. This card can also symbolise that your creativity is developing and you could start to produce some great works, whether that be a painting, a song, a poem or even beautiful new furnishings for your home such as curtains, tapestries etc. The emphasis will be on elegance and pure luxury.
The Final Outcome The Final Card, the outcome of it all, the future of your relationship.		Four of Cups Briefly: An offer should be considered. In Detail... The picture on this card shows a hand holding a cup and this is reaching out from a cloud and presenting the cup to a person who is surrounded by leaves and there is a hill in the background and many trees. There are three cups full of liquid in the foreground. This can represent an offer to be considered. Sometimes it can symbolise that the person is reluctant to accept any offers. However, the wise person should at least investigate what is being presented, rather than dismissing it without knowing all the facts. Something can arise out of the blue and be a surprise. If you happen to notice that your circumstances may alter quite significantly if you take up some new direction, then proceed with assurance that this is the right path for you at this point in time

Tonight I Can Write

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held him in my arms.
I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.

He loved me, sometimes I loved him too.
How could one not have loved his great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have lost him.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without him.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep him.
The night is starry and he is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

My sight tries to find him as though to bring him closer.
My heart looks for him, and he is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love him, that's certain, but how I loved him.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch him hearing.

Another's. He will be another's. As he was before my kisses.
His voice, his bright body. His infinite eyes.

I no longer love him, that's certain, but maybe I love him.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for him.

- By Pablo Neruda, modified.

when my basilar type migraine strikes

while nursing the throbbing veins in my head, i browsed through the vastness of cyberspace. it's my way of distracting myself of the pain that i am powerless against and the emptiness i'm feeling. it's not because of the holiday but because i am missing my son terribly.

i noticed that i can't sleep soundly again: taken as i sleep 2-3 hours max. i even have to pop a sleeping pill yesterday to force me into dreamland. my system is just so used to having the snores, heavy breathing and occasional limb jerking when my yves is sleeping beside me. i know it's my fault but i just really have to get rid of his previous nanny. so now i'm left with no choice but to share him with a few of my previous 'kids' gracious and loving families to take care of him while i'm working. i am very grateful and lucky though that they've come to my/our aid. hell, if this situation happened to us and we're in makati i can say goodbye to my career again. i would easily give my career up though just ensure that he's taken cared of.

funny thing here is that i see my son around other people whom i'm sure is enamored with him. its weird that i see his face around other people's friendster account. he's like the garden gnome in the movie amelie. he's everywhere except around the person he truly misses... to be continued... i think my brain's about to explode...


anyways, i think i'm just addicted to google and typing in lowercase.

out of the meadow and being sober...

There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every breath I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Trust me.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but what's past and done.
Trust me.
I want what I want.

such fun! i have resorted to this activity... tsk tsk

Situation as it is

Three of Swords

Briefly: Three people may be involved in a dispute or go their separate ways. In Detail: This is a minor arcana card, however, when its energies manifest, it can seem like a major event at the time, due to its intensity and how it makes you feel. The card symbolically shows three swords, one dripping in blood, which represents pain and distress. Often a separation from someone occurs at this time or some kind of friction or dispute. It often feels quite tormenting and hurtful at the time and is difficult to get through while this feeling lasts. Three people may be involved in a dispute or go their separate ways, or become involved in an emotional tug of war. Hewever, once the anger or hurt is expressed openly and each airs their grievances, it is usually only a matter of hours or days before you feel better again and the issue may be resolved permanently, or at least for the time being, which eases the stress levels. Sometimes, a person may need to have an operation or there is some minor injury, which usually heals quite quickly.

Course of action to be taken

The Lovers

Briefly: If you are unattached and you deal out this card, you are being guided towards that special someone who is about to walk through the doorway of your heart and leave its indelible mark on you forever. The Lovers card always brings choices. Love is the strongest emotion we know and it can literally move mountains. The desire to be with your special person can overwhelm you and override all logic or other sense of clarity. In Detail: This is the most powerful card in the pack for many and varied reasons. Love is the strongest emotion we know and it can literally move mountains. The desire to be with your special person can overwhelm you and override all logic or other sense of clarity. However, if you are ever going to experience true love, then you may as well feel it with every part of your being. If you are unattached and you deal out this card, you are being guided towards that special someone who is about to walk through the doorway of your heart and leave its indelible mark on you forever. You will feel the blood rushing through your veins and the passion and desire to be with your lover so deliriously wonderful, that all else pales in comparison. This may be your soul mate, your one true love of your life, so make sure you are there and you are ready. If you are already in a relationship, another passing attraction may cause a disturbance in your feelings and you may be swayed to have a secret liaison. The Lovers card always brings choices. You can choose to love, or choose not to love. If you find yourself in a triangle situation, at some stage you will have to make your final choice. This card can also symbolise that your creativity is developing and you could start to produce some great works, whether that be a painting, a song, a poem or even beautiful new furnishings for your home such as curtains, tapestries etc. The emphasis will be on elegance and pure luxury.

New situation that will evolve

Temperance

Briefly: Temperance will inspire us to be more ourselves, bringing out the pure essence of our being and approaching life in the way a child does, with wonder and excitement at the newness of being. You are on the verge of a new lifestyle and if you seek it you will find peace and contentment more than you ever have before.

In Detail:
This card is such a lovely card to look at. Pictured is a person who appears to be an angel and there are enormous wings on their back signifying that they are not a mere mortal. When we draw this card it can inspire us to be more ourselves, bringing out the pure essence of our being and approaching life in the way a child does, with wonder and excitement at the newness of being. We are able to put things into perspective and bring some balance and harmony into our daily lives if we can just slow down a little and take time to see the beauty that is there all around us. We may start to appreciate that the Sun comes up every day, the scent of fresh flowers as they bloom in Springtime and the colour of the sky on a clear blue day, and if there are some clouds, they can appear like puffs of fairy floss and seem almost edible. You are being guided to bring out the best in yourself and in your surroundings. You may feel the desire to get closer to nature and this can manifest in various ways. Either you start a garden or buy lots of plants to put in your home or you move out to the country and live on a farm or other type of similar situation. Also you can more readily tune into your emotions and what gives you satisfaction in life. You are on the verge of a new lifestyle and if you seek it you will find peace and contentment more than you ever have before.

bored by 2:20AM

Your Angel...

Angel of Synchronicity This is a very magical Angel that comes to let us know through the energy of synchronicity that we are on track and have the full backing of the Universe behind us! Synchronicity happens because we are being reminded that everything and everyone is connected at a deep level and consciously or unconsciously everything and everyone is working together to bring us the support and guidance we need at this time. Synchronicity may occur when a person thinks to themselves " I sure would love to do_________! (Fill in the blank) If this something, what ever it may be from learning to play the drums to going on a cruise round the world, is heart and soul felt then the Universe immediately begins to validate this desire as good and obtainable through synchronicity. The person may meet someone that day out of the blue that is a travel agent or is learning how to play the drums and knows of a fabulous teacher. He or she may see a drum kit being unloaded right near their home. Travel brochures may arrive unexpectedly in the post or upon turning on the telly, there is an offer for a fabulous cruise at a fraction of the cost that the person would have expected. All of these things and more are saying to the person "absolutely, you want this or that, you can have it if you just keep your focus on what messages you are being sent and staying excited and upbeat knowing that what you are asking for is in the process of manifesting". By the same token, if our little friend here decides to take a downward swing and start to think " Oh I could never do this, it would take too much time, money, trouble" etc, then again the Universe will send them messages, usually through other people, that how they are thinking now is bringing them even more of what they do not desire. Synchronicity works both ways! Think in positive terms then positive synchronicity is what comes back. Think in downer terms and downer synchronity is what also comes back. The Angel of Synchronicity often works many long hours trying to get this message through our heads! You can easily see this for yourself by watching what you are feeling and thinking during the day and noting what messages come back to you in return. Pay attention though for messages and synchronicity always seem to pop up when you least expect, such a standing in the queue at the supermarket! This angel works in other ways through "Synch" (for short) as well. For example, lets say you noticed a beautiful vase at a super price and you really want to purchase it but then think well, I already have x number of vases, I don't really need another. You trundle on home, still thinking about that vase and how you wished you had just purchased it and are met at the door by the family cat who is looking rather sheepish (if cats ever do!). That’s when you notice the broken glass on the floor of what used to be one of your x number of vases! This Angel was whispering in your ear "buy the vase, its perfect and just what you DO need right now" knowing all the while that Kitty was in the process of making sure that space would be cleared so the new vase would have a home! The real topper comes when after purchasing the vase, a friend hands you a book on Feng Shui and your realize that your new vase is actually the perfect size, shape and colour to use as a wealth vase! That’s when you start to hear about Feng Shui everywhere you go and what ever you do which leads you to have your own home Feng Shui-ed which leads you to establishing a fabulous new career which leads to meeting the love of your life which leads to........Well you get the idea now I am sure! This is how synchronicity works, when we follow through on it and trust in it we find ourselves being led directly to all the wonderful things that life has to offer far more easily than had we struggled and strained and doubted and feared and wondered if any good would ever come our way at all. Synchronicity is intuitive. It is heartfelt. It makes the hair on the napes of our necks stand up and we shake our heads in awe of the Master Planner of it all that has only our highest good at heart. It is meant through this Angel to tell us over and over again that we can have anything we desire if we are truly desiring of it, we are willing to receive it and to follow along as this Angel brings us synchronicitous after synchronicitous experiences. We can choose to ignore the synchronicity that occurs in our lives saying it is nothing but a coincidence or we can see it for what it really is: A loving message from a loving Universe saying that our desires are good and we are worthy of having them fulfilled. Synchronicity can help us with problem solving, inspire us creatively, help us find the right words to bring comfort to a friend or loved one. Its primary purpose and that of this Angel is Love. It serves to remind us that we have yet to see the whole picture and that what we are taught "Reality" is, is but a fragment of what we are capable of experiencing. This Angel has come to you today in response to something you have been desiring and wondering if it is possible for you to have or perhaps you are needing a solution to a problem. Heads up! Pay attention! An alert has been sounded throughout the Universe that a beloved child of Spirit is in need of some validation or support! It is important for you to understand that everything IS working on your behalf, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. For the Angels of Synchronicity and Blessings In Disguise are also to be found and where ever these two can be found you can be sure that only good and light may enter into any situation. Keep a small journal or notebook at hand and jot down what messages you keep seeing on the telly, hear on the radio or near the coffee machine at work. What signs street signs or billboards jump out at you on your way home from work or to work? Are there animals you keep seeing such as an abundance of dogs or squirrels? Or maybe you just "happen" to notice a new magazine at the newsstand one day that opens up a whole new world of possibilities for you and then you find that suddenly you are meeting people over and over that are interested in those same things and have much to share with you. This Angel will find more ways to bring you the energy of synchronicity than you may think now and along the way once you see how much fun it is to catch and notice these signs you will never want this Angel to leave! What to watch for with this Angel's presence: This one is pretty obvious of course! You think something and that same day three other people mention the same or similar thoughts to you. You start daydreaming about having or being or doing what ever and then those things start popping up in front of your face over and over again. You ask for a solution to a problem and then while having your hair cut your hairdresser starts telling you a story about something that happened to a friend of hers and then you realize you have just received your answer. It comes through the day to day things, the little things that we do day in and day out, all can be used by this Angel to bring us messages of hope and cheer. Other ways to work with the energy of this Angel is to make a sign with the word Synchronicity in large letters upon it. Decorate it if you wish, then hang it where you can see it often. Make several such signs and hang them all over your home or put one in your car. For you Feng Shui addicts like me, put the sign underneath a bell or wind chime to "ring in" the energy of synchronicity. Meditate on the word, write in your journal what sorts of synch experiences you would like to have, ask for this Angel to enter your life in any way that strikes your fancy! Be creative with this for the energy of Synchronicity itself is highly creative and unlimited in its expression! And be sure to give Thanks to this Angel and all of life.

the solstice of innocence

It started with my Skype status that reads: "I don't have the time nor the patience". I never thought that it would mark the beginning of my abrupt absolution. It was never a plan nor a goal I had in mind. Suddenly, it just happened that I learned how to say no. Just because I was really damn tired about all the rigamarole. Maybe this is growing up... or maybe this is just my brain saying that it still exists and that I have to let it take control of my actions. So why am I posting the lyrics below? I have no idea.

Aint nothing working aint nothing right
Theres a whole in me that I cant fill
No matter how hard I try

Hey bartender hit me with a double
And introduce me to that girl with the bubble
Im looking for trouble tonight
No momma dont trust me tonight
You be the center baby
Id be the quarterback
Hike hit the tailback
Watch it on playback
Jah smash that hitting that redbone
Up in the endzone biting on the collarbone

I just want your company
I just want you to comfort me just come with me

Hey bartender hit me with another
I just about had to kill this brother
Shit Im looking for trouble tonight
You be the beauty - baby
Id be the beast
Who gives a fuck take it to the bedroom
Take it the streets
Take it like a man muthafucker
Yo bitch chose me muthafucker

Take me there take me with you
I cant be alone tonight
I cant be alone tonight
I cant trust myself tonight
I cant trust myself tonight

Baby please dont trust me tonight
No please dont trust me tonight

Aint nothing working
Aint nothing right
Theres a whole in me that I cant fill
No matter how hard I try
Aint nothing sweeter there aint nothing wrong
All the pain that I receive keeps me strong
It keeps me moving on

I just want your company
I want you to comfort me just come with me
I just want your company
I want you to comfort me just come with me I just want your company
I want you to comfort me just come with me

Comfort me just come with me
Comfort me just come with me

nobody knows where we'll might end up...

I haven't slept for the past 48 hours. My mind is racing, I'm alone and I'm doing a Grey's Anatomy marathon for 2 days now. What's wrong with me? Nothing! Since nothing cannot be acknowledged without the affirmation of something, then that must mean everything is wrong with me. I guess, we'll never know...

Climb, climb into the rocket
And we set the fuse to go, go go
Head start, cosy in the rocket
And I need to go, go, go, go
Tip top ready for the sky
So I'm tip top ready to go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go, go, go

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know

Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows

Tick tack toe, you're fitting into place
And now the old ways don't seem true
Stick stop blue you're only shifting
In the same old shape you always do
Tip top ready for the rocket
And I'm tip top ready to go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go, go, go

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know

Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know

conversations with the captain

my captain said that
i should start to play the game well
i should enjoy and cherish every moment
and accept the fact that there are
indispensable people
why do i keep on ranting that
you kept on lying over and over
it's second nature to you
the saddest part is i kept on believing
when does this stop?
when my brain is dead.
foolish me....
but there's a part of me that
negate the lies
and enjoys the madness
i'm always running away
captain told me my flash steps can't save me
i guess i can't overcome and master my bankai...
do i have one?
i know i know, i should stop now.
captain, i hope i don't fail you.
-your yoruichi-

underneath it all

There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're...
You're something else

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad


So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better...

You are my real Prince Charmin'
Like the heat from the fire
You were always burnin'
And each time you're around
My body keeps stalin'
For your touch
Your kisses and your sweet romancin'
There's an underside to you
That so many adore
Aside from your temper
Everything else secure
You're good for me, baby
Oh that, I'm sure
Over and over again
I want more

You've used up all your coupons
And all you've got left is me
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lovely
Underneath it all
And you're really lovely

apir!

cleansing

Your Laughter

Take my breath away, if you wish,
Take the air away, but
Do not take your laughter away from me.

Do not take the rose away,
The lanceflower that you pluck,
The water that suddenly
Bursts forth in your joy,
The sudden wave
Of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
With tired eyes
At times from having seen
The unchanging earth,
But when your laughter enters
It rises to the sky seeking me
And it opens for me all
The doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
Hour your laughter
Opens, and if suddenly
You see my blood staining
The stones of the street
Laugh, because your laughter
Will be for my hands
Like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in autumn,
Your laughter must raise
Its foamy cascade,
And in spring, love,
I want your laughter like
The flower I was waiting for,
The blue flower, the rose
Of my echoing country.

Laugh in the night,
In the day, on the moon,
Laugh at the twisted
Streets of the island,
Laugh at this clumsy
Boy who loves you,
But when I open
My eyes and close them,
When my steps go,
When my steps return,
Deny me bread, air,
Light, spring,
But never your laughter
For which I would die.

- Pablo Neruda

XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
Or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
In secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
But carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
Risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how or when, or from where
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

So I love you because I know no other way
That is: where I does not exist, nor you
So close that hand on my chest is your hand,
So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

** by Pablo Neruda **

meantime grrrrl...

She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a "real" woman, either. She’s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she’s cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine. You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won’t bother her that you’ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you’ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool . . . why can’t all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs – she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I’m a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don’t know the reason, really, and at this point I don’t even care. I just want to let every guy know who’s ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won’t be around.

*** by meantime girl ***

there are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. i wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that just dont go away. and maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little bit of that insanity. somebody who never lets go. somebody who cherishes you forever.
- ally mcbeal

**************************************

there's that awful taste in my mouth again
and that cringe in my gut
a sharp pain in my chest
nothing a slow and careful breathing won't fix

somehow i felt that the world stood still
i was lost for a minute
and felt the earth revolve
i liked it, then i fell down and got dizzy

i miss the past
the taste of morning dew
after a night of coldrain and hard sex
and the cuddling thereafter

i miss the attention
the susceptability to emotions
spontaneous wandering
and the blatant hedonism

i miss the herb
the music trip from rare tunes of PS2 FIFA
the cold room and the warm company
broken by a self proclaimed artificial hearted being

i miss my tech life
i haven't touched my keyboard since god knows when
i'm full of guilt
of the programs i need to fix, of this blasted pc begging to be fixed

time is very expensive
its a very elusive essence to manage
it has never been an asset of mine
i have been used to wasting it

when will i reclaim my life back?
i had a plan before
it got me nowhere
it seems like im already dead... feels like it too.

>> by 9 <<

your lies for all the world to see

Isa akong sociopath..lahat ng gawin tama..walang mali -mali..walang pakielam sa sasabihin ng mga taong makikitid ang utak..masaya..no holds barred..push to the limits..maraming nasasagasaan..wala pa rin pakielam..ewan ko ba..simula ng makilala kita..natutuhan ko na ang buhay na ganito..dahil dito ko lang makikita ang hinahanap ko..minahal kita sa paraan ng isang sociopath..san ako nauwi..walang ibang masisi kundi sarili..kung bakit nagpatihulog sa banging walang katiyakan ang lalim..kung kakayanin ba ang hapdi ng mga sugat na dadalhin sa aking pagkalugmok sa alkitrang putik na aking babagsakan..at kung maghilom ang mga sugat ay maitatago pa ba sa mundong may malikot na isip..na minsan nalason ako ng bawal na pag-ibig..at ang ako na nakikita nyo ngayon ay ang paggaling ng mga peklat ng pagiging isang sociopath.

Ang halik na iyon..dala ng banal na espiritu ng alak at matinding pagkalunod sa iyong matamis na ngiti..sa likod ng mga bumbilyang pinawalang-ningning na aking mga daliri ay ang nag-aalab na eksena na parang tele-nobela..nagsimulang uminit ang nagbabaga nang damdamin..hindi napigilan maging ng konsensya ang tawag ng pagkakataon..sa pagbungad ng liwanag ng sikat ng araw sa aking mga matang di maipinta ang sinasabi ay siya namang pagbigay ng aking katawan..katabi ang iba pang mga lango sa alkohol ay pinilit kong mahimbing sa malamig na sahig at pagbigyan ang ulo kong masakit na magpahinga kahit sandali..

cleaning out my hacked inbox

Elune Azalis <jenny_cartman21@yahoo.com> wrote:

From Elune Azalis Tue Apr 22 18:21:55 2003
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2003 18:21:55 +0100 (BST)
From: Elune Azalis <jenny_cartman21@yahoo.com>
Subject: void
To: neo dread boi <daerdoen@yahoo.com>

Since I cannot text you 'coz I ran out of load, I just electronically mailed you my thoughts. Please don't take it against me why I ran out of credits, you could've figured that out yesterday while we're burning peso by the second. I wrote you since being the cowardly freakshow that I am, I can't say this to your face. Please do not speak to me like I'm some mindless bitch who rolls up to get a scratch on the tummy, I deserve more than that. I only want to ask suitable information on this fucking contraption so I can enjoy my copied mp3's from guess who?, thanks a lot by the way. I think I'm getting onionskinned and boy do I like peeling it back to find that it still hurts. I need someone to tell me I'm just overreacting with my feelings and I'm always getting emotional and stuff and that there is more to life than sitting on your own shit. I have to commend you on being that someone too. I wonder where you get the patience to clear up your throat, breath and shove your foot down my mouth. I should've warned you earlier that this is a pseudo-annoyance and angst ridden letter but who cares. At least now you can have a clearer picture of what angst mean. Sticking true to the pseudo side of things, I'm really grateful I that you still stick around while I sulk in existential nausea. I really miss you... I feel that even if we're together, there's still something missing... a space between our fingers that needs years to be filled for the rest of our lives. I'm getting sentimental again. I may have to cut this short for I may end up crying again and sulking on my sorry ass.

I have reason to believe in hope and deliverance but not for my soul but my heart. Thank you baby.

!!! kakikayan!!!
you have such a cute signature!!! sleep tight my sensible man ->

<daerdoen boi>

jenllamehtzzuf

the last goodbye

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please kiss me,
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation.
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.

Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"Maybe, you didn't know him at all,
you didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know"?

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime,
Burning clues into this heart of mine.
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories
Offer signs that it's over, it's over.

what it takes to fly

why is it that whenever i engage in an unscrupulous random act of animality

there's always something in me longing for a special treatment

that somehow, someway by nature and fate's good graces

i'd be able to connect spiritually with that person and find solace

but how come i always fall victim to chance and circumstance

this unavoidable urge to fill this unfathomable hunger

to prove something for myself

have made me decide to play the game by men's rule

to immerse myself on the enemy's playing field

it seems easy enough

all i need to do is give in to the act

the problem is, I can't keep a straight face and make a follow through

i am weak. i get emotionally attached too easily.

that's the only thing I was able to prove at this point.

i would really want to prove my X wrong.

that romantics still win, that they still get what is DUE!

unfortunately, even words can't save me

words that betray me

words used by slithering snakes who just want to generate heat

and stay just long enough to say something has been ignited

what is the point of this?

i actually don't want to write anymore

but is it really the word that betrays me

or the one who uses it?

when you are told that NO COMPLICATIONS can transpire

and you say okay

MEAN it.

then die slowly

kill the inner child

the child pure in selfless acts of wonderment

and silly questions and mental masturbations

forget the happy thoughts

and fuck flying

this peter pan state is getting on my nerves

because I don't want to grow out of it

because it's simple and has no pretensions

but all the peter pans i've met who thought

that they can fly, cannot fly with  me

i guess there can only be one peter pan in a relationship

a dreamer who lifts up and leaves the world

and the one who stays behind looking up in defeat

fuck this.

>> 9 <<

the phoenix shall rise again 3/28/06

you really hanged by a moment.
the moment when you wanted me and made me your own.
after four regretful turns of the tide and a progeny of two years, you have gotten over that fateful moment.
the nightmare is over. LET LIFE AND NOT THE LIE BEGIN.
do you actually think i'd be crushed? defeated? broken? i was.
i just pieced myself again.. bit by bit.
just like how you deconstructed me through all those years.
i still gnash my teeth like some tormented soul in hell
when i think about what happened.
i can't blame you.
you haven't even revealed your true self to begin with.
i have thought that everything that transpired
was strung from a web of deliberate deceit.
i can't give you all the credit.
you're not that vicious,
just wickedly selfish and utterly devoid of love.
lies can be a harmonious opus from your lips.
it seems to make sense at the time of my madness for you.
but now that everything unravels and unfolds,
it just goes to show that all a quasi man can conjure
are empty words and visions as empty as himself.

i'm done being mad at myself.
i'm done regretting about the might have beens.
i'm done with you.
i'm done forgetting and losing myself.
i still have faith in this thing called love.
i'm just not sure if i can handle it.

tell me, why do i feel empty too?
why does it hurt? be numb you say?
it's probably good for me since
i'm your nightmare drama queen.
why the hell am i still waiting for closure?
the only time that i can have peace
is if you're already dead or i am.
is this self torment really necessary?
i may begin to enjoy it. this pain will make me callous.
it will bear layers of fear and paranoia in my soul.
it would make me feel much afraid and disdainful of the most natural emotion known to man. but since i am a man, i can't escape this for i fear being alone.
it's the loneliness that drives me to the brink...
when all pride is lost, all faith begotten and all hell breaks loose.

neuron flux in a public utility vehicle

"iv come 2 realize dat u cannot own nythng or any1 in dis world. so y bother goin aftr thngs /ppl dat wud jst fade or die?all you can evr do is stare and share.and love? what's love got 2 do w/ all these? it's jst a concept,an xcuse 2 tolerate abuse, b wronged n get disappnted.love cnt last. tym kills it." - n|nE

Why would men so mismanage their lives? Greed, he thought, was what ruined so many. Greed--the desire to crowd into a moment all the enjoyment it will hold, to squeeze from the hour all the emotion it will yield. Men COMMIT themselves when but half-meaning to do so, sacrificing possible future fullness of ecstasy to the craving for immediate excitement. Greed--mortgaging the future--forcing the hand of Time, or of Fate.